Copper Tears



before



I like to watch time
Drift by
On Monday afternoons
Behind motels on little walked staircases
Green moss climbing the cement and rust dripping it’s copper tears down the railings
I rest my head on your shoulder and let us listen to the world spin
For a while
I try not to fill it too full with my curious tongue
But I taste the questions on my lips

I whisper
And?
You reassure
Tuck my fingers over the little seed pod and tell me I’m special
Ok
I’ll try
I’ll try.

And then I ask about her
And I don’t like to think about these things chronologically
But she knew you first
And she had you heart first
And I guess
sometimes
When I’m cold and pathetic and so self-centered
I wonder if she still has a few pieces
Tucked away somewhere in a box under a wooden bed
You can’t reassure me
As easily
This time
And I lurch
Into myself
Too quickly
Hey
I mutter to the seams on my shoulders
Shh
Don’t think so fast
And I grab my wrists and pull myself back out
And ask more
Things
While the seedpod crumbles in my palm
We’re two different people
Existing
On either side of your mind
Or at least that’s how I imagine it but I’m sure that’s not really how you see it
She knows a lot about me
She knows my name and the color of my hair and the people that walk circles around me
Does she know I don’t know about her?

Sometimes I imagine her
With you
I bet
She’s nice and has long hair and soft eyes
I bet she tells good jokes and has seen all the movies you love

And why am I doing this??

Don’t listen to me
My one reader, my long lost friend, my brown-black eyes and genuine smile
Don’t listen
To the suspiciousness of tired afternoons
Promise me you’re not thinking of me
As a rose with green thorns of envy
Because
I’m whispering secrets
In your ear
Of the sick need I have
For some sort of reassurance
That I mean more than dots on a map
Don’t listen to these worms that twist into words like they have a place on paper
Sometimes I have to write poetry
To turn the soil
And keep them from eating the stems of my tomato plants
Blooming bright red and full as beating hearts in the summer sunshine

So I snuggle under your arm
For warmth
For comfort
For missing words

What did I want really?
I wonder
Later
For him to say
He’s forgotten
Everything
Anyone else ever meant
Ever since
He saw
my dusty sneakers and hesitant smile
Ever since I started writing him poems and leaving pieces of myself behind for him to pick up
Words and paper and drawings of mermaids and a thing called xxxx

It’s just that
I fall asleep
To the sound
Of songs
That remind me of what it means
To know you
And I wake up
With yesterday’s memories of compliments and footprints in the sand first and foremost in my mind
You’re all my greatest hopes and fears
All my calendar boxes and all my daydreams

It’s just that I’m silly and sixteen

And sure
I guess I could write
A pretty good speech
If that’s what you want
I’d do it
For you

But I throw a palm over my eyelids and tell myself
To stop
This train
Because
There’s nothing good ahead
And I wrap myself up in your sweater and lay down on my bed
And kiss my fingers as I count all the reasons I trust you

  1. You know all my names forwards and backwards
  2. You keep the letters I write and you think about what my words mean
  3. You understand what it’s like to carry on
  4. You grab my hands when I’m caught in the eye of the tornado and pull me out
  5. You brush my tears away with your thumb
  6. You smile when you say see you soon
  7. You want to talk to me at 11:11
  8. You say we’re a team
  9. You care. I really think you do.

I tuck the strings back into my heart and start placing the petals back inside the vases on my counter
I know you know me
I know you know the ways I think about tomorrow
I know you realize how afraid I am of being left somewhere alone in the rain, like a cliche movie about falling in and out of hope and car doors
You know I try to appear porcelain when I am crumbling like old brick
You know I hide concern behind smiles and fear behind concern
You know how important it all is to me
You know
I only let
you
Hold my hand

You know

So I’ll
Sit here
Still
And quiet
And wait for when I can call you on the phone
And talk for a while
Like they used to in the seventies

And I know
You’ll be there
waiting
For me

xx


this is an old poem, but I'm going to be in my school's poetry slam (screams) and am thinking of reading it. what do you think? also I kind of want to publish a poetry book but have no idea how. hope you all had a lovely christmas, am so thankful for you <3

10 comments :

  1. This poem is so real and emotional. I got all the feels reading it! I think you should use it! And how awesome of you to be in the poetry slam. I want to hear about how that goes for you later!

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    1. Aw thank you V! Of course I will update you on how it goes (hopefully well, so nervous!)

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  2. I have a valid reason for not commenting on this sooner because when I read it I was speechless. best poem I've read in a while. it just kept going and getting better with each line. I love how you wove in things like the tomato plants metaphor... and how it gets deeper with each re-read, how parts resonate with my own soul.
    WOW - poetry slam! that sounds amazing. did it happen already? I would love to hear about it.
    wuutt a book?? I would totally buy it. I know there's lots of great info online about publishing.
    I hope you had a good Christmas, and happy new year! :D

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    1. Aw you honestly encourage me so much. I'm so glad you liked it (I like that tomato metaphor myself haha). I'm so glad it resonated. The poetry slam has not yet happened, I think it'll likely be in February. I'll be sure to post. I have to look into the publishing online stuff. I think it'd be neat. I'd be happy to send you an inscribed copy if it ever happened :) Happy New Year and a belated Merry Christmas to you as well!

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    2. oh yay I'm so glad to hear that. I look forward to the post about the poetry slam! and whoa an inscribed copy sounds amazinggg <3

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    3. I'll be sure to keep you all updated :) Haha of course!

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  3. Woah.

    Did you write that? It was amazing!

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    1. Yes, I did haha. I'm glad you think so, you're too sweet <3 aw

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