Purified


I think about how they
Called me
Perfect
How they wrapped me in
Gold paper and
Didn’t tell me things they thought I
Shouldn’t know
Did they think they were
Protecting me?
I know inside I am
River rocks
Rough and jagged
I am organic
Embedded
With something metallic
I am imperfect
But still
Beautiful
I am purified
By the water

The Diary of Lily Andrist: Entry 4


 
I sit on the wooden bench, damp with yesterday’s raindrops. I feel it soak through my skirt, but I don’t get up. The Girl with the Fierce Eyes is waving her hands jerkily. She is angry with the Boy on the Phone.
“Meet my friends...I just want...no you listen...I’m not finished no.... two years…”
I wait for her tears but they don’t come. I don’t understand that. I think about my anger, how it’s a hurricane. How it always begins with storm-cloud-eyes and ends in thrashing, churning, waves of tears. How they collapse the wooden houses and flood the gravel streets that wind their way over the planes of my skin.
I cry almost once a day but it doesn’t bother me. Sometimes other people see but that doesn’t bother me anymore either. It is far better to feel too much and too often than nothing and never at all. Willow Tree Girl sits in my heart and she sings and weeps and dances and laughs and storms and needs and fears and longs. And I listen to her. Her brown eyelashes are mine, and we blink together.
I sit next to her and she reminds me of The Girl who Moved Away.
The sky is so blue. I watch my fingertips dissolve in it. It hides the stars but I know they are there. I hear them telling secrets about what they see from above. I’ll never tell what I hear from the stars in the day, when they are hidden behind their painted curtain.
I call her because I need her voice. I miss the way that the red tea, cold as ice, left a ring on every table I set it on. I miss her mirror image eyes and lips but different nose. She reminds me of the importance of reconciliation. I listen and the grass grows up to my forehead.
“I love you baby.”
“I love you too.”
I eat dumplings with chopsticks and they burst in my mouth and I am delighted. I eat one after the other and remind myself that I am unafraid. Her voice makes music I don’t understand. It’s soft and slippery and sounds like sparkling silver fish racing downstream. Her smile is a rainbow, glittering after rain. She is an island downpour while the sun is still out, coating the palm fronds in glittering dewdrops.
Later, we walk in the dark. His eyes blend with the night and I fall into his chest. I lead him down to the beach. I smell the sour smell of things my mother warned me about and try not to be nervous. Someone is burning leaves. My shadow is fragmented and hurries to catch up. We walk down to the sand and the cliff bends. So do we. My back presses against the crumbling sand and there is nobody around. The ocean curls her long silky white eyelashes and blinks at us. We find our familiarities and it’s so comforting. But I am hesitant and anxious. The owl on my shoulder turns her head in a full circle. My sweater is spotted with beige sand. It’s ok to be in love. It’s ok to feel. Right?
It’s complicated. There’s all this writing on my skin. He tries to read every word but it’s all in Greek. It’s written with no spaces and no punctuation and it goes left to right to left. We crane our necks to try and figure out what is says but we can only make out bits and pieces. I try to ask the ocean what to do. But her wisdom is too vast for me to comprehend.
I watch myself in the mirror. I am jealous of her but I would not trade. I remind myself that our struggles are the same but different. I was too quiet on the phone today. She thought something was wrong. I told her I was hungry. I wasn’t. I tried to ask questions, but all my sugar had run out and there was only pink salt on the bottom of the jar. “He said he loves me and I am so happy.”

A Letter To You

My friends,

I almost disappeared. But then he told me that these words, way back when, helped him realized he loved me. So I decided, something that soul-touching is not worth leaving. This, though, is an ending of an era. Not just on this blog. Of myself. It's an end to long hair (for a while), high school, hiding my face, and waiting for something to happen. So some things might change. Like formats and photos and the level of whimsy. But that's all ok. Change is scary but it's necessary. Lately I've been in the throes of its waves. It's hard to ride them calmly and not thrash about, but I'm doing my best. How about you?

Please tell me how you're doing. You've all been in my thoughts always.

Love,

Vivian

Busy Phone Lines


It’s easy to be
The open envelope
For someone else and i wonder
Why do i bother?
Maybe because when i was
Walking around in
Green converse and
Staying up too late and
Daydreaming all afternoon and
Waking up with
An upside down heart
I kept my sweater zipped
Tight over my
Ribcage and
Nobody called me on
The phone

It’s her first kiss and she was
Waiting for violins that don’t come and i tell her
Do it fifty more times and you’ll
Hear the symphony

I listened to the silence of
Moth wings beating
And went to the computer to learn
How to

And it’s all making me terribly
Heavy on the ride home all the sudden i’m
An empty orange juice carton
Sweet and all gone
I turn up the music as if i could drown out
The belated
Loneliness
But even when i sing as if i’m
Happy the sounds  all come out meaning
What I feel even though the lyrics are about
Lovers not
Letters I mailed
to myself
Because all the phone lines were
busy

Summer Vibes pt. 1: Island

pt. i.
island

she pulls me like
the waves on the sand
it rushes all
through my fingers
I find myself
in the green
tropical and
dappled with
saltwater she
dances hula by the shore
and we fall asleep
under a sky painted
golden for her by
the sun who
adores her

moodboard

playlist
Some other Time- ViVii
Oxygen- Dirty Heads
Seabirds- Pizzagirl
These are the Days- Omi
Mind Eraser- Cruisr
Monsoon-Amber Mark

movies
moana

packing list
sandals
bikini
lei
mango juice
hawaiian sundress
book/magazine to read on the beach
floaty ring
pineapple slices
book about tropical fish/birds/plants
snorkel

A Love Poem About Someone Else That's Really About You





I realized you were
My river boy
Sitting in those
Stiff, round, sunday-morning-brown
Old fashioned
Wooden chairs
I saw you in the poems he
Muttered
From the podium
The mic wasn’t working
I only really
Heard
His
He read them aloud to all of us but
Only she
Had them sung to her
I watched her in front of me
And knew he loved
Her freckled shoulders and the way she wore that shirt that left them bare for his and the suns kisses
And the green-blue ink staining her skin and the stories the x and o and the lilacs and the starry sky told
Her beaming smile as she watched
Proud
And filmed him murmuring about
His mom and the beach boys and how she fills their room with houseplants and how her kisses make him see all the wonder in the world
He may not
Stare
Straight at her
As he reads us
Love letters to her but
I know she is
The only one he really wants
The only one he really cares
To hear what he says
He returned quiet to his chair
The the gentle applause of ‘I only half got that but you’re beautiful’
And he
Kisses her quick
And I see he loves
How easy his hand fits on her thigh and
How her glasses tilt a little when they kiss and
Her big bright smile for him
She hasn’t shaved
Underneath her arms in a while and
He loves the soft
Brown
Hair and he thinks it’s kind of
Earthy
In a really
Human way
And her face without
Makeup
Is the very face of
Aphrodite to him
I know because
He writes her poetry


And I write poetry
About you
My river boy so
I know
How he loves her because
A poet loves
In their bones and shows it
In their words and that’s just how
I love
You

Dinner By Myself


It’s easier and harder to be
Alone
Sometimes
I watched the pasta puff up like
Noodle balloons and found that
Pleasant
I sat on my chair
With my legs tucked under me because
That’s really how it’s
Meant to go
I used some
Olive oil this time and it
Added more than I thought it would
I asked for music with
Harpsichord because that is my favorite
Instrument
It was so
Easy and quiet with only
Myself
As a guest
Even though the
Broccoli was cold I was
Content
I listened with both ears and
Thought about how
All stories are really
One hundred percent true
Some way or another
I thought about her birthday parties
And how nice her brother was
And how easy it was to feel
Happy there
I tried to think about
How to write a book and I had
One of those moments where
Everything I think feels like it belongs on
A page and I just
Don’t know how to connect them
So I wrote a poem instead because there’s no rules
There
So you don’t have to
Connect
Anything
I thought about how
Things feel ok when
You’re eating ravioli alone and
Listening to harpsichord and
Your hair is washed and your
Bathrobe fluffy
You already washed all the dishes
You finished a book this afternoon and you know
Where you’re going to college and that
You might even get a bird someday and
That in 72 hours you’ll be
Slow dancing in the prettiest dress
You ever saw
You might still be
Lonely sometimes but
Even though you don’t forget you start to become
At least a little
Ok with it
I get some
Bread out of the fridge and
Eat it plain because
It’s always tasted best like that
And I ask to hear
Asleep
Because it’s Charlie’s favorite song but
When I start to listen I decide not to
Think about Charlie
Just to think about
Myself
I don’t think about
What it means I just think about
How it’s meant to be played
When you’re driving away from saying goodbye to someone you love
Or when you’re laying on an unfamiliar carpet halfway across the world and everyone else is having a good time but you just feel like you miss familiarity
Or falling asleep beside your best friend
All these times would be
Appropriate but it’s also
Nice for
A dinner by yourself
A quarter into
Morrissey's
Rolling hills’ voice
Swaying like
Autumn leaves in the wind
The lights all
Dim because
My dad put them on a timer
And it’s somehow
Perfect
I sit perfectly still
Perfectly alone